Understanding Grief...You can't

The title is the message itself. 

Grief. What do we actually know about it? Most associate it with death. I could be wrong. I don't keep stats on this stuff. 

The true definition of grief is keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret. The true definition of grieve or grieving is to feel grief or great sorrow (used without object). To distress mentally; cause to feel grief or sorrow (used with object).

Time will heal the broken...insert laughter... Time will not heal. Actually, time only hurts. I have been told, 'But your not trusting in the Lord to get you through'....Can I just say that people mean well. They do and I do not expect them to understand. I actually tell them I don't wish they would try to understand. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that I have lost a son. It is very unreal. 

Time will not heal. I say that because there are so many days I wake up and it feels like my son just took his last breath. It's a constant reminder of "HEY your son is not here!" You just sort of adapt to the wounds and become more numb.

Holidays were awful because not only was I grieving but I was trying to make up loss time with my kids. For an entire year I was an absent mother to them. How do you think they felt last year without me while their other friends are talking about baking cookies and wrapping presents around Christmas time? I was in the hospital with their brother. Do you think they understood that? No and I definitely don't expect them to. 

I am open about grieving. I don't hide it because when I did, I was afraid I would hurt someone. Holding it in; pressure. Like an pressure cooker. I learned early on in my grieving that I don't get over it. I just get through it. How do you get through it though? I just cry and pray and ask God to give me peace.. cover me with a veil of comfort. Hold me in your merciful arms and heal my broken soul. I'm open though and everyone will know if its a hard day. Not a bad day but just a hard day.

Grief is hard. I knew it wouldn't be easy but I still can't understand it. No matter how many definitions there are for grief, grieve, grieving, or even I am grieving, it is still absolutely hard. A wave of emotions crash in without notice. Like a Tsunami.

A friend of mine texted me and asked me "You're coming up on Williams first year anniversary in heaven, aren't you?" When I saw that I wasn't sure how to respond because I have never had someone ask me about any firsts since his passing. Some are probably thinking how could she ask such a thing, but my response to that is, why wouldn't she? She asked me how was I doing with it approaching. I didn't know how to respond because I have never been asked. But can I just say even though it kind of jolted me I was grateful and thankful she asked. Someone who is grieving may understand my feeling. It showed me she cared. She didn't want to understand how it is to feel grief but she wanted to understand if I was okay. She IS, not was, but IS there for me. No one actually wants to understand how I'm actually feeling. There is a different in knowing how someone feels but not understanding how they feel. She actually inspired me to do this. I'm very grateful for her and I feel as if it has taken our friendship to a different place.

We all know the verse Matthew 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
But have you tried to see mourning in a different perspective? I love perspectives. Seeing all sides of one situation. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

God has a purpose and a plan for the ones who grieve just like He does for the ones not grieving. We grieve because we are human. If we didn't grieve would we be human? God uses the grieving to help certain people, to help with new seasons in life. This is just my opinion. I see it that way because we are BROKEN. Broken hearts, minds and souls. But we still get up stronger. We still say no it is not consuming me! I am going to grieve but I am also going to keep living out my purpose for God. That's what I say. 

I am broken. I am hurting. I am grieving. I am not going to be consumed by it though. I am going to fulfill Gods purpose for me so I can be with my son one day in Heaven. Grieving is hard and even though some may look like they have it together with grieving, well, they are not letting it keep them down. We still have a life to live. 

Thank yall for reading! I hope this encourages someone and helps them know that you are not alone and it is okay to grieve. God bless you!